How to quit your job and travel around the world

Got into Hong Kong late last night - just with some time to walk down to Lockhardt Road for a beer and late night diner action (pictured). How freaking civilized to be a in place where everything stays open after 11 p.m.... way after.

Holy ravioli, see what this woman is doing to me? She is taking the hairs off my leg with a thread. Pulling each one out from the root. In the market. For $4. After getting coerced into one of the threading stalls at the central market, I proceeded to have a full emtional meltdown about 40 minutes into the procedure. Yes, my legs are now as hairless as the day I was born ... but honestly the process needed an epidural. Everytime I peeped she slapped my leg hard - sort of the distract one pain with another method.

I was a sobbing mess by the time she was finished and she was having a blast. I have never seen a Vietnamese woman laugh so hard. The one poignant moment came when I was crying and she asked me if my "boyfriend" (?) makes me cry. I said no, he didn't (and did not elaborate that I dont have a boyfriend, or husband, or baby.) Her response was "My husband, he make me cry." Ugh. And she's taking it out on me. This is the latest installment for me in the Adventure Body Hair Removal. It's like an extreme sport. Much cheaper, and almost as cathartic as therapy.

This man is a genuis! All praise Mr. Xe (pronounced Mr. Zee). If you come to Hoi An, ask me for his number. I think I have been waiting for this day my entire life: an entire wardrobe made just for me! Pants for my butt! Shirts for my boobs! Itty bitty waistlines for my itty bitty waist. Like Project Runway all for me!

I finally picked up my clothes from the tailor today and all I have to say is that when you have clothes that fit you it makes all the difference. The final bill came to just under $200 for 3 dresses, 6 shirts, 3 pants, 1 skirt and 3 shoes. That includes fabric and tailoring with three fittings. So of course I had to come home and do a fashion show, even if it was only for me. This day goes down as pretty pretty princess day, especially since I spent the earlier part of the day poolside at the Victoria, the five star beach resort. They are too discreet to ask what you are doing there so I just walked in with purpose and took a chair.

Ok, so I am pretty sure I ate dog yesterday. I was definitely sick all night. The culprit? The vietnamese "pate" sandwich bought for 5000 dong in the central market. Oh I know what you're thinking, eat a LIVER SANDWICH THAT'S BEEN SITTING IN THE SUN IN A THIRD WORLD MARKET?! OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE SICK. But you see I pride myself on my iron stomach. I drink the tap water! I bathe in the rivers! I use my bare hands to wipe! No way a sketchy-"pate"-of-some-unknown-animal can bring me down. I am pretty sure I even waved my newspaper wrapped sandie upwards to the sky, daring the Oriental Sandwich Gods and Bruce Lee! Bring it on! I can eat your rancid meat, I can eat your boiled fat pieces in bread that you call "sandwich", I can and I will! I can surpress the urge to puke after each bite because, goddammit, I am having an authentic Vietnam moment, shoving this 25 cent concoction in to my mouth while standing onthe street corner. Yoohoo, Mr. Lonely Planet man, look at me now! Nothing says "hardcore traveler" better than dirty tevas, quick dry shorts and street market sandwich grease all over the face. I am having a transcendental culinary moment that I am planning to regale you with even before I took that first bite. Oh the sandwich in vietnam. You know the little woman at the market, she's only there some days....

Hang on, gotta go....oh jesus. What's that heavy feeling in my stomach? Where's my toilet paper? Fuck it's a squat pot. Why can't I find a proper fucking western toilet to plop my big buns on...

So I'll spare you the details. But to add to my agony a dog kept barking all night behind my guest house. Who knows if it was dog pate, but it definitely tasted funny and then came out funny. I read somewhere that the Vietnamese pride themselves on being survivors, but really so should their parasites and bacteria! I've been regualr as the sun since I arrived in SEASIA - until I came to Vietnam, where I've had a fever and now two different stomach bugs.

Oh and why did I buy that 5000 dong sandwich to begin with? Basically a pack of school children, in no uncertain terms, stole my lunch money. I had pedaled out a country road about 5 km to a small village along an estuary. I stopped at the end of the road and the women, kindly and opportunistically, had already opened a coke for me (10,000 dong). As the village children gathered around me (everyone up to age 15) they pointed at each other and said "you buy baby coke!" I tried to shrug them off but the pack wanted cokes! They pawed at me, "you buy baby coke!" - then made sweet eyes then scowled at me. Then grabbed my arm. Finally I relented "Ok, you share! Two to a bottle!" Another 6 cokes were opened. Stragglers who had been abandonded in the first round appeared and demanded fair treatment too. Another two bottles opened without me even acknowledging it. Finally the total came to 9 cokes. I obviously now had to pay for the cokes which I didn't really want to buy them in the first place. The woman told me an outrageous sum - $10 - was what I owed her. I laughed. I was getting manipulated and screwed at the end of a counrty road by a 5-month-pregnant woman and 20 village children. I gave her 80,000 dong (about $5) and got on my bike and just rode away. Anyway, that's why I had a cheap lunch at the market - I had just been totally fleeced.